Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!

Tis the season of joy and happiness and for me of procrastination.  Yes I procrastinate my gift buying and sending and making and mending and then I find myself at 8:00pm on Christmas eve thinking, "CRAP! I never mailed all those awesomely inappropriate Christmas cards I made!" 

Example of said innapropriate Santa card:

 (This was still in the early stages, now they all say 'Merry Christmas' and suggestive things about eggnog and chimneys...)

Also I have a confession to make: I love Christmas.  Seriously.  I am one of those annoying people that starts listening to Christmas music the day after Thanksgiving (even though secretly I've been listening to it since Halloween).  I love every part of Christmas, I love giving gifts that make people laugh and I love the smell of cinnamon and I love the way my boogers freeze the minute I walk out the door in the morning.  I love Christmas.  I love what it stands for, I love that at least once a year it's okay to listen to songs about Christ in public and to be happy for no real reason.  I love Christmas.   I love not waking up until noon and spending all day playing with my family.  I love sledding and caroling and hot chocolate and snow and pine trees and wool socks and my festive duck sweater I wear every year.  I love people that wear Santa hats and those folks that stand outside of Wal-Mart and ring bells.  I love that people say hello and smile at you even though they don't know you and most of all I love that even in this day of oppressive political correctness that we can still celebrate one of the most momentous and historically significant events ever to happen on this earth.  I love Christmas.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

...Live Long and Prosper....

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Apathy: a lack of interest, enthusiasm or concern.

Apathy is one of my three main emotions.  The other two are hungry and tired.  As such here is a picture of the coolest sunburn I ever had
Remember skin cancer is bad for you and you should always wear sun screen.

I don't know what it is about blogging that makes me feel like I have to be so random.  It's strange really.  I know that I am a human being that is capable of focusing on a single subject for more then three sentences.  I can string thoughts together and make coherent and sometimes compelling arguments. 

However, as soon as I think "Blog Time!" my brain fractures in half and stops communicating with itself.  I see things, but can't put them in words and I read the words that do come out, but can't do anything to edit it because my brain is divided and we all know that a brain divided against itself cannot stand.

Sooooo since I love and respect Abraham Lincoln I am going to take his advice and lie down and see if my brain can't patch it up with itself overnight and perhaps tomorrow we will finally write a decent blog! 

...Live Long and Prosper...

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Music Elitist that I am...

We are all products of the people by which we were raised.

This idea was brought to my attention on my drive home from work today, Mom and I had switched cars and so I had a radio (which is crazy nice) and as I flipped through the channels over and over and over again like some sort of ADD squirrel I realized that I didn't recognize a single song that blipped by.  I finally turned off the radio in disgust and tried to come to grips with the fact that I am a musical elitist, I am prejudiced against new music.  I only want the old and the classic.  Where did this trait develop in me, an otherwise open minded and free spirited being?  I have an came from this guy:

This guy is my dad.  Dad likes music, he likes a lot of it and for the most part he likes his tunes old and loud.

So today we are going to take a photo journey through my childhood and talk a little about music.

This is the beginning of my Beatles phase (a phase which still persists to this day).  At this point in my life my favorite song was 'Fixing a Hole' and in a few short years I would write in my journal "I love Beedles" which leaves you wondering if I was talking about the band or the bugs, but since I have no recollection of any particular fondness for beetles I'm going with the band.

Another thing I heard a lot growing up was the infamous Pink Floyd.   I didn't really start gaining an appreciation for the Floyd until Jr. High, but I am the odd one out on this subject.  In one of the little Bother's first grade "all about me" posters he listed his favorite song as being 'The Lunatic' (Brain Damage) and he used to request us to sing, "the one about school" on Family Nights.  It's also interesting to note that throughout our childhood my brother James is always dressed like a British school boy...just saying Jim...

 Caramba, oh yes now there is a good one.  Mom used this for dance time in the preschool she taught and I feel like there was a soundtrack to my life this would be it.  Just imagine putting on your favorite fuzzy biker hat and getting your dancing fool on to this music.  Better yet go get your favorite fuzzy hat right now...put it on your the dance....just do it...don't feel silly no one can see you...besides you're gonna like the way you feel.....................I guarantee it...

My dad was a school teacher...and a forest ranger...and a Sam's Club such our family outings were usually low budget and nature based events.  I relished the long hot car rides out to the desert to collect bugs and rocks, actually I don't really know if that was why we went on those trips, but that is what I did.  Dad would pop in our 'Regae for Kids' tape (oh yeah I'm serious, click the link for a sample and you will not be disappointed mi amigos) and another one of my musical affections was born.
In case you can't tell I'm in the middle of the desert somewhere, I'm barefoot and I'm rather dirty.

Then there was all the groovy feel good music that Mom would play for daycare and Dad would dance to with us on the way home.  There was Simon and Garfunkel and Cat Stevens and Fleetwood Mac and Mutabaruka and Bob Marley and Billy Joel and Sir Elton John and The Grateful Dead and The Doobie Brothers and Styx and Talking Heads and The Proclaimers...and so much more...Oh but let us dare not forget the musicals!  Oh how many rediculously low budget renditions of Les Mes did we perform on our dining room table?  How many times did I try to hit Christine's high note and fail miserably in The Phantom of the Opera?  And how many times did we depart from the text and make up our own musicals with sub par scores and only slightly original ideas?  Countless times.  That is the answer.  Countless times........

But for all of this I think we turned out all right.  Non of us has committed any mass murderings or drunk a unicorn's blood or anything.........yet

In conclusion: I like my music, I have a lot of newer stuff, but the music I was raised on colored my childhood and if perhaps I want to marry someone that closely resembles Ringo Star and have all the groomsmen at my wedding wear Sgt. Pepper uniforms...well then I think that it will be a fine wedding and there will be a lot of old people dancing and you should all come....

...Live long and Prosper...

P.S. Dad just gave me a new Buddy Holly CD and I am beside myself with joy....

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Lazy Time

Fact is folks I'm lazy.  I'm not just your run of the mill don't feel like going to work today lazy, I'm if I've been awake for more then nine hours straight I want to shoot myself in the face lazy.

If you didn't know that I was chronically lazy then you would probably think I was depressed, or recovering from a major operation, or possibly dead (on account of I sometimes sleep with my eyes half all reality though and with no jest it is quite creepy.  When I was little my brother and I shared the same room and he used to throw toys at me if I was asleep and staring at him because it gave him bad dreams.  I also do it in class when I don't want Professor to know I'm sleeping through the lesson.  This works great from a distance, however I most definitely creep out my neighboring seat friend, but also they probably respect me a little for my strange and mysterious abilities.)

Anyway I haven't been in school for approximately three and a half months now and it is starting to show.  I keep looking at my blog and thinking "I should really post something," but then I get distracted or fall asleep or just sit there trying to control the beating of my own heart.  I honestly have about thirty unpublished blog drafts, which are mostly just titles and then little stick figure drawings...

Here are some examples!  (Yes examples most definitely warrant the use of an exclamation point)

Braveheart in Space, and other great things to do in a kilt.
Toaster Time!
The Demise of Stanley the Earwig
The Never Before Published True Story behind 'The Demise of Stanley the Earwig'
Concerns and Conundrums 1: Why my Disney character crush is Gaston.
Concerns and Conundrums 2: Having a crush on a cartoon character is idiotic, obtuse, and dultish
Concerns and Conundrums 3: The Saurus and other fearsome beasts

In summation: I am lazy.  I tire of subjects easi......ah hell I lost my train of thought...I blame Google for my attention deficiencies...

In conclusion: I am very grateful to you my friends for still reading my blog, even though my sentences run on and on and on and I use the '....' thing waaay too much and I struggle to stick to one topic...

In culmination:

In resolution:

In conclusion:

To wrap it all up: I decided to try to pull myself out of my shiftless and inactive state and try and post something every day for a week.  I'm not promising it will be good (just take a look at my last post), but it will be.  That is all, it will just BE.

...Live long and Prosper....

Journal Entry

This is an entry from my journal: 

September 23, 2011 :( (Only the frowny face is right side up, and is crying a little and has a mustache that all it's little frowny face tears are running into)

Dear Journal,

Earlier this evening I may have overdosed on delicious orange flavored chewable vitamin C's...

I decided to get my victorian romance fix on and ate approximately twelve vitamins while reading Jane Eyre.

If only Sam's Club didn't make their vitamins taste like the word wonderful.

Now I can't sleep because my skin is itchy.

So just in case I die in my sleep from the extreme amount of vitamin C that is now coursing through my body my final request is for somebody to make a cautionary tale for children out of this event in my must be graphically illustrated.

That is all...Live long and Prosper...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Mr. Peanut Runs for President

Not too long ago a friend of mine turned twenty-five and was feeling depressed that he hadn't accomplished anything in his life yet (he didn't actually tell me this, but I just assumed seeing as how he was twenty-five and hadn't accomplished anything in his life yet.)  Anyway I wrote him this story to lift his spirits and put a pep back in his step.  Hopefully it will do the same for you.
So here it is...
The Peanut Who Wanted to be President
Written and Illustrated by Jacqueline Moyar

Not too long ago, in a land not so far from here there lived a peanut that wanted to be president.  Every morning young Peanut would look out his window and stare longingly at the large white house.  

The little peanut devoted his younger years to learning all he could about the way the government works.  By age three Peanut knew the three branches of our government and all their responsibilities; by his sixth birthday Peanut had memorized the constitution.  Young peanut watched every presidential debate he studied every policy and procedure until he was the most civically educated peanut in the land.

And so it was that young Peanut grew up and became Mr. Peanut, a well respected and much loved member of the community.  Mr. Peanut worked hard to maintain an excellent public approval rating.  He organized service projects, helped old people, served on committees, smiled for photographs, grew a respectable mustache and even tutored part time at elementary schools.

On April 17 the day of Mr. Peanut’s thirty-fifth birthday Mr. Peanut announced his plan to run for presidency.

Thus began a flurried and festive campaign for the presidency.  Being a late entry into the race Mr. Peanut had to campaign with twice the fervor and three times the gusto as the other candidates. 

Mr. Peanut made posters, he ran commercials every forty-five minutes on all major TV networks and every thirty minutes on every AM radio channel available, he attended small town festivals and big city soirees.  Mr. Peanut traveled the nation ten times over, from Massachusetts to California, from the northernest part of North Dakota to the southernest tip of Texas.

Mr. Peanut worked hard and his work seemed to be paying off.  On November second, the eve of the elections Mr. Peanut’s approval ratings were through the roof.  He was a "shoo-in for the presidency," the newscasters said.  Mr. Peanut fell asleep smiling.

The next day dawned bright and sunny, Mr. Peanut woke up late feeling positive and up beat.  He opened the newspaper to see the results of the race and was devastated by what lay before him.  Mr. Peanut had lost.

Not only had Mr. Peanut lost, but he had lost on a monumental scale.  A measly two percent of votes had gone in his favor.  Mr. Peanut’s dream was crushed.  He would not run again.  He had tried so hard and had failed so miserably the only thing he could do was crawl back into his small peanut sized bed and cry until he fell asleep.

As it turns out apparently most of the nation's voters were under the impression that Mr. Peanut was just playing an elaborate and expensive prank.  Post election surveys found that the majority of citizens assumed that, "Mr. Peanut was taking over for Ashton Kutcher as the new host of MTV's 'Punk'd' and that for Mr. Peanut's first big show he was going to 'punk' the entire nation."
It was a valid hypothesis, but it was wrong.
You may think this is a depressing story, but you my young reader are being ridiculous.  Mr. Peanut was a fool who set himself up for failure.  He is a peanut, peanuts can’t be president.  That is one of the number one rules outlined in the constitution. Mr. Peanut (or at least a member of his cabinet) should have realized this long before he launched so much of his time and money into this campaign.

There is a happy moral to this story however.  You my friend CAN be president.  You are not a peanut, you are a human being and as such you can do anything you want.  You can be president, or an astronaut, or a bum, or an artist, or a paper back writer, or a rock star, or a marine biologist, or a newscaster, or an archeologist, or a ballerina, or so many other things.  You can do anything your heart desires. 

...Well…unless that desire is to be a peanut….that is in fact impossible…sorry…

-Live Long and Prosper

Epilogue: After years of intense psychotherapy Mr. Peanut was eventually able to rejoin society as a functioning adult.  He put his public relations skills to good use and got a job as the logo and mascot of a small peanut company called Planters.  Though Mr. Peanut was eventually ostracized by his friends and family for promoting the imprisoning of, selling, and eventual death of millions of his people, when Planters merged with Nabisco Brands and was subsequently acquired by Kraft Foods Mr. Peanut became rich and famous and is still a beloved American icon today.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

...Zombies Win at Everything....

Fact: zombies win at everything.

Try to prove me wrong.  You can't.  I know I have a mindless drone of a job and have endless hours to run through gillions of scenarios and I can guarantee you that zombies win at everything.

Example 1: Zombie vs Hippotamus
For those of you who don't know hippos are one of the animal kingdoms most vicious and deadly animals, more people die in hippo attacks every year then from any other mammal in Africa (yes this includes those "mankilling" lions).  No matter zombies don't care about that, zombie doesn't need to breath and doesn't care if hippo takes a giant gory bite out of him.  Zombie just keeps going and takes a giant gory bite out of hippo.  Biggest problem with this scenario??  If zombie gets too full and can't finish the job...ZOMBIE HIPPOS

Example 2: Zombie vs Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is really Carlos Ray Norris who is descended from Irish and Cherokee ancestry this gives him a predisposition to alcoholism.  This is a weakness that can cloud his judgment and slow his reflexes.  Zombies don't drink and even if they did it wouldn't matter.  Chuck is a dead man.

Example 3: Zombie vs Vampire
Whats the worst thing a vampire does?  Suck blood.  Whats the one thing zombies don't have?  Fresh blood.  Go ahead vampire suck all day all your going to get is some rotten junk that will give you a bellyache.

I know what you thinking, your thinking, "Okay, okay, sure zombies may have upper hand in a one on one gladiator style battle, buuuuuuuuut what about things like diplomacy and scrabble and gardening??  Zombies don't win at that."

Au Contraire

Example 4: Zombie vs Diplomacy
I only have one thing to say on this issue FILIBUSTER.  Other politicians have to sleep and eat and take breaks, not Representative Z, zombie gonna' filibuster like nobodies business.

Example 5: Zombie vs Scrabble
Little know fact zombies are fantastic spellers.  No one knows why this happens, but something about reanimation makes zombie a formidable academic foe. 

Example 6: Zombie vs Gardening
What is the secret to a lush and fertile flower bed?  Compost.  What is a zombie?  Walking compost. 

So you see that in the zombie apocalypse there is no survival plan, there will be no hail-mary that saves mankind.  No, zombies will take over the world with their HippoZombie pets their stunning spelling skills and impecable gardens.

Yes it is my conclusion that zombies win at absolutely everything.......

          ....well...everything except being alive....

-Live long and prosper-

Saturday, September 10, 2011


I am a person that likes to accomplish things, when I accomplish something I like to be recognized for it...I suppose one might say that I like to receive some kind of reward.  However being habitually lazy and terrified of living up to my full potential this does not happen often.  In order to avoid the crippling depression that would otherwise stalk a life void of real accomplishments, like my own, I like to capitalize on my small victories.  I turn those everyday things like putting on a clean pair of socks or remembering to feed my dog into something I can be proud I make myself awards.

For example here is an award I won a few weeks ago...

The Creepy Little Girl Award

I won this award at work one day.  I'm a cashier for a local sporting goods company and as part of my job I have to let customers know about our new email campaign.  I was being a model employee and had just informed a rather attractive young man that if he were to just give me his email address then the company would send him a totally awesome 10% off coupon and this is what happened...

 Me - "Alrighty then handsome if you'll just put your email address on this line we'll send you a  totally awesome 10% off coupon that you can use on a future purchase."

Handsome - " sure it's not for you??" *flirtatious wink/raised eyebrows*

Me - "Oh it is......*creeper smile*......Let me tell you how it works: First I'll Facebook stalk you and check out all the pictures of your old girlfriends and buddies.  Then I'll figure out who your mom is and stalk her Facebook too.  I'll arrange to 'casually' bump into her at the store one day and then I'll strike up a conversation about her favorite things, this being information I'll have gleaned from the aforementioned stalking.  She and I will get to talking, we'll find that we get along so well that she'll invite me over for tea.  I'll come to your house and then ask to use the bathroom, but instead of using the bathroom I'll go find your room and dig through your laundry basket until I find that striped shirt your wearing and I'll stuff it in my purse and take it  home with me and then I can smell you forever."

Handsome - ".................."

Me - "Thanks for coming in!  Have a great day!"

I totally deserved an award for that.

After this happened I was feeling really good and I drew a picture of a unicorn and sent a bunch of obnoxiously happy text messages to people.  For that I would like to appologize and so as recompence for my annoyingness I made you all awards!! 

These are awards for those of you who put up with my unicorn pictures, plus a couple more just because you deserve it!...

First I would like to present Kirsta Mae Larsen with the Classy Killer award...
The Classy Killer Award
Kirsta gets the Classy Killer award because I'm pretty sure if she ever murdered anyone she would be really classy about it and probably quote Hamlet to them the whole time they were dying.

Second it pleases me to announce Cool Katie as the recipiant of....
The Fat Pony Man (that kind of looks like Legolas) Award
The reasoning behind this is much cooler could you get??

Thirdly it gives me great honor to present Austin James Bergera with...
The Suspicious Teddy-Bear Award
Because Austin is the best at being suspicious.

Fourthly I am excited to present Mckay Riding with...
The Way to be You Award
Because you are the only you I know.

The Fifth award I am excited to say is for Sheree Louis Anderson, it is...
The Prehistoric Turtle Award
Because she has very spikey hair for an old lady.

Sixth I am unbelievably happy to present Tyler Shotwell with...
The Knowledgeable Narwhal Award
Because he looks so darn good in tweed.

And last but not least I am very pleased to present Trevor David Adams with...
The Vacuum Award
Because he kind of sucks...

That is all for tonight, I promise there will be more awards later...I am getting pretty good at this computer drawing thing I think....................................I should probably get an award for that....

                              ....Live long and prosper.......

P.S. I know I spelled 'narwhal' and 'vacuum' wrong, it's okay, I've received the best creative speller award several times in my life and I'm just trying to keep the title alive.  That's all.

P.P.S. This is the Unicorn picture I drew and was sending to people...It's an accurate illustration of what would happen if I got into a fight with a unicorn...unicorns always think they're so tough because they have that magic horn and crap, but they really aren't....

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Females are the inspiration for Werewolves...also this is why MythBusters should hire me.....

Today Dad walked in the door and said,

"Hey Jacqui I have this super awesome werewolf movie with lots of blood and gore and intestines being ripped out and crap."


Then I had to apologize for swearing in front of the children, but I didn't even mind because I love melodramatic movie monster carnage.

So we watched the movie and it was awesome and people got their arms and heads and legs ripped off and there were entrails everywhere and blood squirted all over this blind opera singer and the movie gets a rating of four bloody Chinese throwing stars for sheer awesomeness.

Anyway the point of all this is that in the scene where Lawrence is first transforming and he's writhing about on the mausoleum floor in agony bleeding and crying out from the sheer torture that his transformation entails, I realized that I recognized him.  Then it hit me....the world is full of werewolves.

It's true.  In fact approximately a little over half the worlds population suffers from this very disease.  Once a month there is a change that comes over them, they suddenly become livid and angry, they howl and moan and scratch and bite and quite often have an unquenchable urge to rip out the esophagus of otherwise well meaning individuals.  They try to eat everything including little babies and cute fuzzy rabbits.  They swell up twice as big as their usual size and in the morning when they wake up they remember nothing, but are filled with a very low self-worth and a strange but persistent thought that they may or may not have ripped out the large intestine out of an unsuspecting sheep farmer.....

Further Proof: in the final battle scene where Lawrence (in werewolf form) is fighting his dad who is (spoiler alert!) the ORIGINAL werewolf and he throws him against the wall and then takes a huge bite out of his shoulder ripping out a good chunk of bloody furry wolf flesh...I realized that not but a fortnight ago THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME.  It's true.  Jelly took a freaking bloody muscly bite out of my shoulder right before I karate kicked her into a flaming couch and then punched her head right off her shoulders....

If this isn't enough proof then here.  Not even you skeptics can deny the similarities.

Crazy Menstrual Lady

So in conclusion I'm 99.7% positive that about a thousand years ago some dude named Lawrence was fed up with all the females in his life going insane and turning into raving lunatics and so he decided to write a story about it (you know as a kind of catharsis for his trauma).  Part way through writing the chicks found the story and got pissed and were about to rip out his esophagus until Lawrence being the smart thinker that he was said:

                   "Look its not about you!'s's about....a MONSTER!!!!!!"

And then Lawrence added some extra fur and some fangs and then in a fit of egocentric narcissism realized that this story was gonna be a hit and so he turned the wolf into a man and named it after himself.  The end.  Mystery solved. Take that MythBusters.

Friday, August 12, 2011


This week I embarked on a watermelon cleanse.  This may sound like some crazy excuse to eat nothing but watermelons for a week...but trust me...this is legitimate healthy person crap.  This is the kind of healthy crap that by the time your done your like, "Hey I think I'll climb a mountain and then when I get to the top I'll do one hundred and fourteen push-ups and then I'll carry a small burro on my back all the way down, but once I reach the bottom and I'll realize that I don't need take this 'politically correct modern society' crap anymore.  No I'm a survivor dammit!  I've eaten nothing but watermelon for four days. I can do anything I want!"  And then I would take said burro back up into the mountains and live off the land saving babies and learning to paint with all the colors of the wind.  That's what kind of healthy stuff is going on in my body right now.

I must admit that it was not all fun and games. No sir.  It has been a rough four days, but as I sit here I can tell you honest to blog that I feel fantastic. I feel so good that I made dinner for the poor starving children of my neighborhood, I took Dumb Dog for a run, I played in the sprinklers with Lizard, I went to work like a real adult human, I combed my hair, I read 200 pages of an awesome book, I watched 'Yes Man', I drew four cartoons and I wrote a blog post.  That's right.  Feel free to gawk.  It's the power of the watermelon.

Here let me show you...

Day one starts out with me loving watermelon.  I can't get enough of it.  As soon as that first bite of watermelon touches my tongue my mouth becomes a black hole, but a selective black hole that only has eyes for one tantalizingly sweet and watery fruit... my sole purpose in life is to find and eat watermelons.  In my lust for this sweeter species I resort to more primitive behaviors and massacre and entire watermelon village.  Seeds are strewn everywhere, half eaten rhines lay in morbid piles, flies buzz ominously....
This hysteria lasts well into the night until finally I pass out on the couch with my face covered in sticky juice and my belly swollen from excess consumption.

Day two is a little different.  I begin to come down from the watermelon high.  I realize that watermelon doesn't really fill you up because it just goes right through you...

I am persistent though and day three breaks cold and forlornly.  I realize that I actually hate watermelon.  It's too sweet and the wetness makes me think of poor drowning puppies in Japan.  It mocks me with it's lovely rich colors and happy little existence.  Watermelon is the worst food ever invented.  Worse then liver and onions mixed with diarrhea and barf of a dead walrus. 
I go to bed hungry and jilted.  I had been lured into this whole watermelon hype with tantalizing words like 'cleanse' and 'purify'.  People had told me exaggerated stories of having boundless energy and seeing things 'clearly' for the first time in their lives...

I finally fall asleep feeling let down and indignant.

Then the magic happens ...

Day four dawns.  I awake and suddenly...
I understand.  I get it.  It's all coming together.  I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in my life.  I have so much energy that my body has to constantly be in motion.  I am practically invincible.  I am high.  I am on a terrifying watermelon high folks...and I love it.

I'm feeling awesome.  I've accomplished more today in my heightened watermelon state then I have all month.  Brother told me it's because I'm hallucinating from lack of nutrients and I've actually been sitting comatose on my bed all day drooling.  But I know he lies.  He doesn't understand.  Right now I am in control, I can do anything I want...I am a God, I am a watermelon God.

Now I am going to sleep for exactly eight hours.  No more no less.  I will wake up without an alarm clock and then...I'm climbing a mountain.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Good Things

Tonight I am in one of my favorite places. I am with 22 of my favorite people. The breeze coming in the window smells like pine trees and grass, not that silly suburban grass we grow accustomed to, but real honest to God grass. The lights are low and people are asleep EVERYWHERE.

                  The house itself smells old and dusty and broken and brown and familiar and a little like              
                  farts...but that is less enjoyable and can probably be attributed to one of the young males...

My uncle hasn't taken his ADD meds this week and so it is taking a tremendous amount of concentration to ignore him.

          Some call this area the 'armpit' of Washington, but those people don't understand...also they are
          probably communists...

                                       John is making small children set up his tent, bring him food and fan him with
                                       palm leaves. He just condemned the 'hoarding masses' to a life of 'illiteracy' and
                                       'violence'... What a fascist...

                          Take your pills man.

I am too ADD to make a good post tonight. Apologies to all. My sicerest apologies for wasting the precious moments of your life. Please do not be angry for that would only waste yet more of your precious moments and I doubt I should be able to live with the guilt of wasting so much of a person's life.

        It would be murder.

         Just call me BWM. (You can sort the acronym out for yourself, have fun!)

                For those of you confused by this statement let me help you. This was actually a bit of a funny
                play on words. You see there was an infamous serial killer that was known as the BTK killer.
                I played on this by saying that wasting your time was akin to murder, then I made up a less
                then clever acronym for my own specific brand of homicide...

...that was all...don't worry if you didn't's late and the jokes are in short supply mi hombres....

I'd love nothing more then to keep blogging my life away, but Nicole wants to go down to the river (no doubt trying to trick me into a midnight swim, which as anyone who knows me knows I am terrified of dark water) and Jelly wants to cut her hair and I want to go squish pennies on the train track...

Yes I am off to act like a child.

        Do not judge.

               Do not be jealous.

                       Or do.

               Whatever...I'm just reclaiming the wild spirit of my youth.

No big deal.

Cool Katie your letter is coming shortly...patience is what I am teaching you padawon...

...Live long and prosper...

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

A Very Important Subject...

Tonight I would like to broach a topic that seems taboo in our society.  It is however a topic of not only great importance, but of in my opinion an imperative nature 
                                                   The topic is Hobo Names.
           Before venturing into this wild and sordid field of research I would like to throw a quick shout out to Mr. John Hodgman, you may know him from such films as Baby Mamma, The Invention of Lying, Coraline and Arthur (NOT the popular PBS children's program).  Mr. Hodgman however is probably most well know though for his personification of a PC computer along side Justin Long in the wildly popular Apple "Get a Mac" add campaign.
         Mr. Hodgman is the nation's leading expert on the subject of Hobo Names.  He devotes a particularly large section of his book 'The Areas of my Expertise' to the subject. So it is that I would like to take a moment to share with you a few of my favorite names from a culture that has fascinated and bewildered mankind since the dawn of time.....

Whispering-Lies McGruder
         Wicked Paul Fourteen-Toes
                   Normal-Face Olaf
                             Ol' Barb Stab-You-Quick
                                   Twistback John, the Scoliosis Sufferer
                                            Senator Cletus Scoffpossum
                                                  50-Tooth Slim
                                                       Monk, the Monkey Man (which is to say: "the Man")
                                                   Cleatus T. Chillingsworth
                                             Finnish Jim
                                   Flemish Jim
                     Foreign Tomas, the Strangetalker
           "X," the Anonymous Man or Woman
     Irontrousers the Strong
Prostate Davey

Oooooohhh yeah, the guy is goooooooooood...his work is what inspired me to become a History Teacher.
             Also if you enjoyed any of this in the slightest you should check out Mr. Hodgman's 'Five Card Monty' it equals pure hysterics.  Unfortunately it is rather difficult to find on the interweb...I'm just one of the lucky people who possess a CD (or compact disk for those of you who don't remember) of Hodgman's audio recordings....I am so blessed...

            Why am I plugging John Hodgman so much tonight?  This I do not know....perhaps it is because of that highly enjoyable hour and a half of Pink Floyd I experienced earlier tonight (and I use the word EXPERIENCED for a reason, many people don't understand that Pink Flod is an experience, there is a reason the songs are fifteen minutes long....but that is a different subject for a different day...)

...John Hodgman....That is all....Live long and Prosper....

Friday, July 8, 2011

First Post of All Time....

Wow...this is kind of a big deal amigos....I should say something profound...
        Perhaps though blogging is more like a band-aid and I should just get it over with real quick-like....

...I use the (...) too much...I am addicted to those little spots...

             Perhaps I will tell a story...
                         Once a long time ago in an apartment far far away I sat down to make a blog...I'd wanted to for a while, after all my recent departure from the world of teens to the world of twenty somethings has made me a wiser and more contemplative person whose thoughts are worthy of internet notoriety....maybe....I turned on Star Wars brewed a cup of chamomile tea and sat down to my tea is cold and Leah is telling Hon that Luke is her brother and I am still struggling to write a blog...

              I have learned something from this experience: blogging is difficult...koodos all you dedicated funny ones (Cool Katie this refers to you)...I respect (and envy) your talents....

                          That is enough I think, I want to enjoy Aniken, Yoda and Obi Won's ghosts gettin' jiggy with the Ewoks....

...Live long and prosper...