Monday, October 10, 2011

Mr. Peanut Runs for President

Not too long ago a friend of mine turned twenty-five and was feeling depressed that he hadn't accomplished anything in his life yet (he didn't actually tell me this, but I just assumed seeing as how he was twenty-five and hadn't accomplished anything in his life yet.)  Anyway I wrote him this story to lift his spirits and put a pep back in his step.  Hopefully it will do the same for you.
So here it is...
The Peanut Who Wanted to be President
Written and Illustrated by Jacqueline Moyar

Not too long ago, in a land not so far from here there lived a peanut that wanted to be president.  Every morning young Peanut would look out his window and stare longingly at the large white house.  

The little peanut devoted his younger years to learning all he could about the way the government works.  By age three Peanut knew the three branches of our government and all their responsibilities; by his sixth birthday Peanut had memorized the constitution.  Young peanut watched every presidential debate he studied every policy and procedure until he was the most civically educated peanut in the land.

And so it was that young Peanut grew up and became Mr. Peanut, a well respected and much loved member of the community.  Mr. Peanut worked hard to maintain an excellent public approval rating.  He organized service projects, helped old people, served on committees, smiled for photographs, grew a respectable mustache and even tutored part time at elementary schools.

On April 17 the day of Mr. Peanut’s thirty-fifth birthday Mr. Peanut announced his plan to run for presidency.

Thus began a flurried and festive campaign for the presidency.  Being a late entry into the race Mr. Peanut had to campaign with twice the fervor and three times the gusto as the other candidates. 

Mr. Peanut made posters, he ran commercials every forty-five minutes on all major TV networks and every thirty minutes on every AM radio channel available, he attended small town festivals and big city soirees.  Mr. Peanut traveled the nation ten times over, from Massachusetts to California, from the northernest part of North Dakota to the southernest tip of Texas.

Mr. Peanut worked hard and his work seemed to be paying off.  On November second, the eve of the elections Mr. Peanut’s approval ratings were through the roof.  He was a "shoo-in for the presidency," the newscasters said.  Mr. Peanut fell asleep smiling.

The next day dawned bright and sunny, Mr. Peanut woke up late feeling positive and up beat.  He opened the newspaper to see the results of the race and was devastated by what lay before him.  Mr. Peanut had lost.

Not only had Mr. Peanut lost, but he had lost on a monumental scale.  A measly two percent of votes had gone in his favor.  Mr. Peanut’s dream was crushed.  He would not run again.  He had tried so hard and had failed so miserably the only thing he could do was crawl back into his small peanut sized bed and cry until he fell asleep.

As it turns out apparently most of the nation's voters were under the impression that Mr. Peanut was just playing an elaborate and expensive prank.  Post election surveys found that the majority of citizens assumed that, "Mr. Peanut was taking over for Ashton Kutcher as the new host of MTV's 'Punk'd' and that for Mr. Peanut's first big show he was going to 'punk' the entire nation."
It was a valid hypothesis, but it was wrong.
You may think this is a depressing story, but you my young reader are being ridiculous.  Mr. Peanut was a fool who set himself up for failure.  He is a peanut, peanuts can’t be president.  That is one of the number one rules outlined in the constitution. Mr. Peanut (or at least a member of his cabinet) should have realized this long before he launched so much of his time and money into this campaign.

There is a happy moral to this story however.  You my friend CAN be president.  You are not a peanut, you are a human being and as such you can do anything you want.  You can be president, or an astronaut, or a bum, or an artist, or a paper back writer, or a rock star, or a marine biologist, or a newscaster, or an archeologist, or a ballerina, or so many other things.  You can do anything your heart desires. 

...Well…unless that desire is to be a peanut….that is in fact impossible…sorry…

-Live Long and Prosper

Epilogue: After years of intense psychotherapy Mr. Peanut was eventually able to rejoin society as a functioning adult.  He put his public relations skills to good use and got a job as the logo and mascot of a small peanut company called Planters.  Though Mr. Peanut was eventually ostracized by his friends and family for promoting the imprisoning of, selling, and eventual death of millions of his people, when Planters merged with Nabisco Brands and was subsequently acquired by Kraft Foods Mr. Peanut became rich and famous and is still a beloved American icon today.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

...Zombies Win at Everything....

Fact: zombies win at everything.

Try to prove me wrong.  You can't.  I know I have a mindless drone of a job and have endless hours to run through gillions of scenarios and I can guarantee you that zombies win at everything.

Example 1: Zombie vs Hippotamus
For those of you who don't know hippos are one of the animal kingdoms most vicious and deadly animals, more people die in hippo attacks every year then from any other mammal in Africa (yes this includes those "mankilling" lions).  No matter zombies don't care about that, zombie doesn't need to breath and doesn't care if hippo takes a giant gory bite out of him.  Zombie just keeps going and takes a giant gory bite out of hippo.  Biggest problem with this scenario??  If zombie gets too full and can't finish the job...ZOMBIE HIPPOS

Example 2: Zombie vs Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is really Carlos Ray Norris who is descended from Irish and Cherokee ancestry this gives him a predisposition to alcoholism.  This is a weakness that can cloud his judgment and slow his reflexes.  Zombies don't drink and even if they did it wouldn't matter.  Chuck is a dead man.

Example 3: Zombie vs Vampire
Whats the worst thing a vampire does?  Suck blood.  Whats the one thing zombies don't have?  Fresh blood.  Go ahead vampire suck all day all your going to get is some rotten junk that will give you a bellyache.

I know what you thinking, your thinking, "Okay, okay, sure zombies may have upper hand in a one on one gladiator style battle, buuuuuuuuut what about things like diplomacy and scrabble and gardening??  Zombies don't win at that."

Au Contraire

Example 4: Zombie vs Diplomacy
I only have one thing to say on this issue FILIBUSTER.  Other politicians have to sleep and eat and take breaks, not Representative Z, zombie gonna' filibuster like nobodies business.

Example 5: Zombie vs Scrabble
Little know fact zombies are fantastic spellers.  No one knows why this happens, but something about reanimation makes zombie a formidable academic foe. 

Example 6: Zombie vs Gardening
What is the secret to a lush and fertile flower bed?  Compost.  What is a zombie?  Walking compost. 

So you see that in the zombie apocalypse there is no survival plan, there will be no hail-mary that saves mankind.  No, zombies will take over the world with their HippoZombie pets their stunning spelling skills and impecable gardens.

Yes it is my conclusion that zombies win at absolutely everything.......

          ....well...everything except being alive....

-Live long and prosper-