Saturday, August 27, 2011

Females are the inspiration for Werewolves...also this is why MythBusters should hire me.....

Today Dad walked in the door and said,

"Hey Jacqui I have this super awesome werewolf movie with lots of blood and gore and intestines being ripped out and crap."


Then I had to apologize for swearing in front of the children, but I didn't even mind because I love melodramatic movie monster carnage.

So we watched the movie and it was awesome and people got their arms and heads and legs ripped off and there were entrails everywhere and blood squirted all over this blind opera singer and the movie gets a rating of four bloody Chinese throwing stars for sheer awesomeness.

Anyway the point of all this is that in the scene where Lawrence is first transforming and he's writhing about on the mausoleum floor in agony bleeding and crying out from the sheer torture that his transformation entails, I realized that I recognized him.  Then it hit me....the world is full of werewolves.

It's true.  In fact approximately a little over half the worlds population suffers from this very disease.  Once a month there is a change that comes over them, they suddenly become livid and angry, they howl and moan and scratch and bite and quite often have an unquenchable urge to rip out the esophagus of otherwise well meaning individuals.  They try to eat everything including little babies and cute fuzzy rabbits.  They swell up twice as big as their usual size and in the morning when they wake up they remember nothing, but are filled with a very low self-worth and a strange but persistent thought that they may or may not have ripped out the large intestine out of an unsuspecting sheep farmer.....

Further Proof: in the final battle scene where Lawrence (in werewolf form) is fighting his dad who is (spoiler alert!) the ORIGINAL werewolf and he throws him against the wall and then takes a huge bite out of his shoulder ripping out a good chunk of bloody furry wolf flesh...I realized that not but a fortnight ago THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME.  It's true.  Jelly took a freaking bloody muscly bite out of my shoulder right before I karate kicked her into a flaming couch and then punched her head right off her shoulders....

If this isn't enough proof then here.  Not even you skeptics can deny the similarities.

Crazy Menstrual Lady

So in conclusion I'm 99.7% positive that about a thousand years ago some dude named Lawrence was fed up with all the females in his life going insane and turning into raving lunatics and so he decided to write a story about it (you know as a kind of catharsis for his trauma).  Part way through writing the chicks found the story and got pissed and were about to rip out his esophagus until Lawrence being the smart thinker that he was said:

                   "Look its not about you!'s's about....a MONSTER!!!!!!"

And then Lawrence added some extra fur and some fangs and then in a fit of egocentric narcissism realized that this story was gonna be a hit and so he turned the wolf into a man and named it after himself.  The end.  Mystery solved. Take that MythBusters.

Friday, August 12, 2011


This week I embarked on a watermelon cleanse.  This may sound like some crazy excuse to eat nothing but watermelons for a week...but trust me...this is legitimate healthy person crap.  This is the kind of healthy crap that by the time your done your like, "Hey I think I'll climb a mountain and then when I get to the top I'll do one hundred and fourteen push-ups and then I'll carry a small burro on my back all the way down, but once I reach the bottom and I'll realize that I don't need take this 'politically correct modern society' crap anymore.  No I'm a survivor dammit!  I've eaten nothing but watermelon for four days. I can do anything I want!"  And then I would take said burro back up into the mountains and live off the land saving babies and learning to paint with all the colors of the wind.  That's what kind of healthy stuff is going on in my body right now.

I must admit that it was not all fun and games. No sir.  It has been a rough four days, but as I sit here I can tell you honest to blog that I feel fantastic. I feel so good that I made dinner for the poor starving children of my neighborhood, I took Dumb Dog for a run, I played in the sprinklers with Lizard, I went to work like a real adult human, I combed my hair, I read 200 pages of an awesome book, I watched 'Yes Man', I drew four cartoons and I wrote a blog post.  That's right.  Feel free to gawk.  It's the power of the watermelon.

Here let me show you...

Day one starts out with me loving watermelon.  I can't get enough of it.  As soon as that first bite of watermelon touches my tongue my mouth becomes a black hole, but a selective black hole that only has eyes for one tantalizingly sweet and watery fruit... my sole purpose in life is to find and eat watermelons.  In my lust for this sweeter species I resort to more primitive behaviors and massacre and entire watermelon village.  Seeds are strewn everywhere, half eaten rhines lay in morbid piles, flies buzz ominously....
This hysteria lasts well into the night until finally I pass out on the couch with my face covered in sticky juice and my belly swollen from excess consumption.

Day two is a little different.  I begin to come down from the watermelon high.  I realize that watermelon doesn't really fill you up because it just goes right through you...

I am persistent though and day three breaks cold and forlornly.  I realize that I actually hate watermelon.  It's too sweet and the wetness makes me think of poor drowning puppies in Japan.  It mocks me with it's lovely rich colors and happy little existence.  Watermelon is the worst food ever invented.  Worse then liver and onions mixed with diarrhea and barf of a dead walrus. 
I go to bed hungry and jilted.  I had been lured into this whole watermelon hype with tantalizing words like 'cleanse' and 'purify'.  People had told me exaggerated stories of having boundless energy and seeing things 'clearly' for the first time in their lives...

I finally fall asleep feeling let down and indignant.

Then the magic happens ...

Day four dawns.  I awake and suddenly...
I understand.  I get it.  It's all coming together.  I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in my life.  I have so much energy that my body has to constantly be in motion.  I am practically invincible.  I am high.  I am on a terrifying watermelon high folks...and I love it.

I'm feeling awesome.  I've accomplished more today in my heightened watermelon state then I have all month.  Brother told me it's because I'm hallucinating from lack of nutrients and I've actually been sitting comatose on my bed all day drooling.  But I know he lies.  He doesn't understand.  Right now I am in control, I can do anything I want...I am a God, I am a watermelon God.

Now I am going to sleep for exactly eight hours.  No more no less.  I will wake up without an alarm clock and then...I'm climbing a mountain.