Saturday, August 27, 2011

Females are the inspiration for Werewolves...also this is why MythBusters should hire me.....

Today Dad walked in the door and said,

"Hey Jacqui I have this super awesome werewolf movie with lots of blood and gore and intestines being ripped out and crap."


Then I had to apologize for swearing in front of the children, but I didn't even mind because I love melodramatic movie monster carnage.

So we watched the movie and it was awesome and people got their arms and heads and legs ripped off and there were entrails everywhere and blood squirted all over this blind opera singer and the movie gets a rating of four bloody Chinese throwing stars for sheer awesomeness.

Anyway the point of all this is that in the scene where Lawrence is first transforming and he's writhing about on the mausoleum floor in agony bleeding and crying out from the sheer torture that his transformation entails, I realized that I recognized him.  Then it hit me....the world is full of werewolves.

It's true.  In fact approximately a little over half the worlds population suffers from this very disease.  Once a month there is a change that comes over them, they suddenly become livid and angry, they howl and moan and scratch and bite and quite often have an unquenchable urge to rip out the esophagus of otherwise well meaning individuals.  They try to eat everything including little babies and cute fuzzy rabbits.  They swell up twice as big as their usual size and in the morning when they wake up they remember nothing, but are filled with a very low self-worth and a strange but persistent thought that they may or may not have ripped out the large intestine out of an unsuspecting sheep farmer.....

Further Proof: in the final battle scene where Lawrence (in werewolf form) is fighting his dad who is (spoiler alert!) the ORIGINAL werewolf and he throws him against the wall and then takes a huge bite out of his shoulder ripping out a good chunk of bloody furry wolf flesh...I realized that not but a fortnight ago THIS EXACT SAME THING HAPPENED TO ME.  It's true.  Jelly took a freaking bloody muscly bite out of my shoulder right before I karate kicked her into a flaming couch and then punched her head right off her shoulders....

If this isn't enough proof then here.  Not even you skeptics can deny the similarities.

Crazy Menstrual Lady

So in conclusion I'm 99.7% positive that about a thousand years ago some dude named Lawrence was fed up with all the females in his life going insane and turning into raving lunatics and so he decided to write a story about it (you know as a kind of catharsis for his trauma).  Part way through writing the chicks found the story and got pissed and were about to rip out his esophagus until Lawrence being the smart thinker that he was said:

                   "Look its not about you!'s's about....a MONSTER!!!!!!"

And then Lawrence added some extra fur and some fangs and then in a fit of egocentric narcissism realized that this story was gonna be a hit and so he turned the wolf into a man and named it after himself.  The end.  Mystery solved. Take that MythBusters.


  1. Hilarious...

    but where is the unicorn?

  2. I read this to my roommates as well. I think this is becoming our means of bonding.