Saturday, September 10, 2011


I am a person that likes to accomplish things, when I accomplish something I like to be recognized for it...I suppose one might say that I like to receive some kind of reward.  However being habitually lazy and terrified of living up to my full potential this does not happen often.  In order to avoid the crippling depression that would otherwise stalk a life void of real accomplishments, like my own, I like to capitalize on my small victories.  I turn those everyday things like putting on a clean pair of socks or remembering to feed my dog into something I can be proud I make myself awards.

For example here is an award I won a few weeks ago...

The Creepy Little Girl Award

I won this award at work one day.  I'm a cashier for a local sporting goods company and as part of my job I have to let customers know about our new email campaign.  I was being a model employee and had just informed a rather attractive young man that if he were to just give me his email address then the company would send him a totally awesome 10% off coupon and this is what happened...

 Me - "Alrighty then handsome if you'll just put your email address on this line we'll send you a  totally awesome 10% off coupon that you can use on a future purchase."

Handsome - " sure it's not for you??" *flirtatious wink/raised eyebrows*

Me - "Oh it is......*creeper smile*......Let me tell you how it works: First I'll Facebook stalk you and check out all the pictures of your old girlfriends and buddies.  Then I'll figure out who your mom is and stalk her Facebook too.  I'll arrange to 'casually' bump into her at the store one day and then I'll strike up a conversation about her favorite things, this being information I'll have gleaned from the aforementioned stalking.  She and I will get to talking, we'll find that we get along so well that she'll invite me over for tea.  I'll come to your house and then ask to use the bathroom, but instead of using the bathroom I'll go find your room and dig through your laundry basket until I find that striped shirt your wearing and I'll stuff it in my purse and take it  home with me and then I can smell you forever."

Handsome - ".................."

Me - "Thanks for coming in!  Have a great day!"

I totally deserved an award for that.

After this happened I was feeling really good and I drew a picture of a unicorn and sent a bunch of obnoxiously happy text messages to people.  For that I would like to appologize and so as recompence for my annoyingness I made you all awards!! 

These are awards for those of you who put up with my unicorn pictures, plus a couple more just because you deserve it!...

First I would like to present Kirsta Mae Larsen with the Classy Killer award...
The Classy Killer Award
Kirsta gets the Classy Killer award because I'm pretty sure if she ever murdered anyone she would be really classy about it and probably quote Hamlet to them the whole time they were dying.

Second it pleases me to announce Cool Katie as the recipiant of....
The Fat Pony Man (that kind of looks like Legolas) Award
The reasoning behind this is much cooler could you get??

Thirdly it gives me great honor to present Austin James Bergera with...
The Suspicious Teddy-Bear Award
Because Austin is the best at being suspicious.

Fourthly I am excited to present Mckay Riding with...
The Way to be You Award
Because you are the only you I know.

The Fifth award I am excited to say is for Sheree Louis Anderson, it is...
The Prehistoric Turtle Award
Because she has very spikey hair for an old lady.

Sixth I am unbelievably happy to present Tyler Shotwell with...
The Knowledgeable Narwhal Award
Because he looks so darn good in tweed.

And last but not least I am very pleased to present Trevor David Adams with...
The Vacuum Award
Because he kind of sucks...

That is all for tonight, I promise there will be more awards later...I am getting pretty good at this computer drawing thing I think....................................I should probably get an award for that....

                              ....Live long and prosper.......

P.S. I know I spelled 'narwhal' and 'vacuum' wrong, it's okay, I've received the best creative speller award several times in my life and I'm just trying to keep the title alive.  That's all.

P.P.S. This is the Unicorn picture I drew and was sending to people...It's an accurate illustration of what would happen if I got into a fight with a unicorn...unicorns always think they're so tough because they have that magic horn and crap, but they really aren't....


  1. I never thought I could be any cooler. But that just happened. printing and putting it in a frame next to my old man groupie pictures!


  2. Jacqui, I read all your blogs to my roommates. This is my favorite internet activity.

  3. Clara, I've always wanted to be famous and now because of you I feel like I am!!