Tuesday, October 4, 2011

...Zombies Win at Everything....

Fact: zombies win at everything.

Try to prove me wrong.  You can't.  I know I have a mindless drone of a job and have endless hours to run through gillions of scenarios and I can guarantee you that zombies win at everything.

Example 1: Zombie vs Hippotamus
For those of you who don't know hippos are one of the animal kingdoms most vicious and deadly animals, more people die in hippo attacks every year then from any other mammal in Africa (yes this includes those "mankilling" lions).  No matter zombies don't care about that, zombie doesn't need to breath and doesn't care if hippo takes a giant gory bite out of him.  Zombie just keeps going and takes a giant gory bite out of hippo.  Biggest problem with this scenario??  If zombie gets too full and can't finish the job...ZOMBIE HIPPOS

Example 2: Zombie vs Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is really Carlos Ray Norris who is descended from Irish and Cherokee ancestry this gives him a predisposition to alcoholism.  This is a weakness that can cloud his judgment and slow his reflexes.  Zombies don't drink and even if they did it wouldn't matter.  Chuck is a dead man.

Example 3: Zombie vs Vampire
Whats the worst thing a vampire does?  Suck blood.  Whats the one thing zombies don't have?  Fresh blood.  Go ahead vampire suck all day all your going to get is some rotten junk that will give you a bellyache.

I know what you thinking, your thinking, "Okay, okay, sure zombies may have upper hand in a one on one gladiator style battle, buuuuuuuuut what about things like diplomacy and scrabble and gardening??  Zombies don't win at that."

Au Contraire

Example 4: Zombie vs Diplomacy
I only have one thing to say on this issue FILIBUSTER.  Other politicians have to sleep and eat and take breaks, not Representative Z, zombie gonna' filibuster like nobodies business.

Example 5: Zombie vs Scrabble
Little know fact zombies are fantastic spellers.  No one knows why this happens, but something about reanimation makes zombie a formidable academic foe. 

Example 6: Zombie vs Gardening
What is the secret to a lush and fertile flower bed?  Compost.  What is a zombie?  Walking compost. 

So you see that in the zombie apocalypse there is no survival plan, there will be no hail-mary that saves mankind.  No, zombies will take over the world with their HippoZombie pets their stunning spelling skills and impecable gardens.

Yes it is my conclusion that zombies win at absolutely everything.......

          ....well...everything except being alive....

-Live long and prosper-


  1. L.O.V.E this! Just so you know, when you blog i read it to the teachers I work with. They say it is the highlight of their days! Keep it up.

    p.s. where can i get a zombie hippo pet? new pillow pet idea? hmmmmm...

  2. WOW I read these posts aloud too! -and not just to myself.
    But I have already said this in previous posts.
    My last comment: I'm really glad I don't watch zombie movies. The combination of the image that they would melt in my brain and your impeccable logic would have my soiling this couch.