Friday, August 12, 2011


This week I embarked on a watermelon cleanse.  This may sound like some crazy excuse to eat nothing but watermelons for a week...but trust me...this is legitimate healthy person crap.  This is the kind of healthy crap that by the time your done your like, "Hey I think I'll climb a mountain and then when I get to the top I'll do one hundred and fourteen push-ups and then I'll carry a small burro on my back all the way down, but once I reach the bottom and I'll realize that I don't need take this 'politically correct modern society' crap anymore.  No I'm a survivor dammit!  I've eaten nothing but watermelon for four days. I can do anything I want!"  And then I would take said burro back up into the mountains and live off the land saving babies and learning to paint with all the colors of the wind.  That's what kind of healthy stuff is going on in my body right now.

I must admit that it was not all fun and games. No sir.  It has been a rough four days, but as I sit here I can tell you honest to blog that I feel fantastic. I feel so good that I made dinner for the poor starving children of my neighborhood, I took Dumb Dog for a run, I played in the sprinklers with Lizard, I went to work like a real adult human, I combed my hair, I read 200 pages of an awesome book, I watched 'Yes Man', I drew four cartoons and I wrote a blog post.  That's right.  Feel free to gawk.  It's the power of the watermelon.

Here let me show you...

Day one starts out with me loving watermelon.  I can't get enough of it.  As soon as that first bite of watermelon touches my tongue my mouth becomes a black hole, but a selective black hole that only has eyes for one tantalizingly sweet and watery fruit... my sole purpose in life is to find and eat watermelons.  In my lust for this sweeter species I resort to more primitive behaviors and massacre and entire watermelon village.  Seeds are strewn everywhere, half eaten rhines lay in morbid piles, flies buzz ominously....
This hysteria lasts well into the night until finally I pass out on the couch with my face covered in sticky juice and my belly swollen from excess consumption.

Day two is a little different.  I begin to come down from the watermelon high.  I realize that watermelon doesn't really fill you up because it just goes right through you...

I am persistent though and day three breaks cold and forlornly.  I realize that I actually hate watermelon.  It's too sweet and the wetness makes me think of poor drowning puppies in Japan.  It mocks me with it's lovely rich colors and happy little existence.  Watermelon is the worst food ever invented.  Worse then liver and onions mixed with diarrhea and barf of a dead walrus. 
I go to bed hungry and jilted.  I had been lured into this whole watermelon hype with tantalizing words like 'cleanse' and 'purify'.  People had told me exaggerated stories of having boundless energy and seeing things 'clearly' for the first time in their lives...

I finally fall asleep feeling let down and indignant.

Then the magic happens ...

Day four dawns.  I awake and suddenly...
I understand.  I get it.  It's all coming together.  I'm seeing things clearly for the first time in my life.  I have so much energy that my body has to constantly be in motion.  I am practically invincible.  I am high.  I am on a terrifying watermelon high folks...and I love it.

I'm feeling awesome.  I've accomplished more today in my heightened watermelon state then I have all month.  Brother told me it's because I'm hallucinating from lack of nutrients and I've actually been sitting comatose on my bed all day drooling.  But I know he lies.  He doesn't understand.  Right now I am in control, I can do anything I want...I am a God, I am a watermelon God.

Now I am going to sleep for exactly eight hours.  No more no less.  I will wake up without an alarm clock and then...I'm climbing a mountain.

1 comment:

  1. BRAVO!!! I am super impressed. Could I do it? Nope... Love the animation. Make it your thing. I want a new picture! P.s. I am in utah! throw me some watermelon.